Since my last post, I have literally experienced the good, the bad and the ugly. This week has been especially difficult on me and I'm not sure what the next step is.
Let's start with the good. Yesterday we had a Social Justice event on Fair Trade for our Course Coaching students. They were really into and interested. The questions they asked at the end of our presentation were really thoughtful and we heard them talking about Fair Trade to their peers today in the hallways. It was awesome to see what an impact a good Social Justice event can have. I hope it inspired at least one student to continue supporting Fair Trade businesses and buying Fair Trade products. They made cookies with Fair Trade chocolate chips yesterday and are having a bake sale on Monday with all proceeds going to a Fair Trade organization.
The bad and the ugly are interconnected, so here we go.
The bad...
There are two significant things that have happened.
On Tuesday, KC received a Behavior Report (an official note home about his poor behavior) because he pushed two people on separate occasions coming in from recess. The deal was, he had to get the behavior report signed otherwise he wouldn't be allowed to go to recess today (we didn't have it yesterday since it was a half day). I was having a hard time dealing with him on Tuesday because he ran away from me when I tried to reprimand him for pushing. I was upset and had to take a breather in the CY office because I was so frustrated and upset that I couldn't get a hold of him.
Today, Ms. Moulton got an email from the school psychologist about TB. He has two older brothers who go to this school, one in seventh and one in eighth. They all go to family therapy and apparently last night at therapy got out of hand. The two older brothers got in an argument and the seventh grade brother pulled a knife on the eighth grade brother. Poor TB witnessed it all. The seventh grade brother is in day treatment, but I'm sure that none of the boys want to go home. TB frustrates me a lot, but that is not something any first grader should be experiencing.
The ugly...
KC didn't have his Behavior Report signed, therefore, he was not allowed to play at recess. He still had to go outside with us because Ms. Moulton had meetings, so he had to come with all of us and just sit on a bench and watch. When we got outside, he sat on the bench and cried for the entire 30 minutes of recess. When KC cries, it's not just a sob, it's like this old man wallow that is so loud and depressing, people down the street can hear it and just want to cry. He kept saying that Ms. Moulton had told him he could have some time to play. In reality, she told him if he had a really good morning, he could have ten minutes of play time, but that wasn't allowed since he had three clip changes this morning. After recess was up, everyone lined up and KC kept crying. He refused to line up with the rest of the class until I basically pulled him off of the bench. He proceed to cry all the way inside and for the next 30 minutes of lunch while he sat under a table. At one point during lunch, the lights go off and no one is allowed to talk. KC continued to cry through this period, so the only noise we all heard was his wallows.
The last ten minutes of lunch, Danielle came in and relieved me so I could eat my lunch. I took KC and we went into the CY office because I felt bad for everyone else having to listen to that. He would calm down for a little bit and then would remember that he didn't get a recess, so then he would start all over. Lunch ended and Ms. Moulton came and got the rest of the class and Danielle filled her in on what was going on. After Danielle got back, I kind of lost it and was getting way too emotional. She took over for a little bit but wasn't making any progress. Once I regrouped and talked to Angela, who happened to walk in when all of this was going on, I got KC and we went upstairs. At that point, he had stopped wallowing and was just silently crying. He lay out in the hallway because he wasn't ready to come back inside. After a while, I sat out there and talked to him. I was still having a really hard time staying composed, but we sat out there for a while. He kept saying things like "I want to go home!" and "School is too long" which is so uncharacteristic of him. He may have trouble interacting with kids, but he is always so into school, so I knew he must be really upset. This was tough. After lots of me talking, he was able to stop crying.
Ms. Moulton finished her math lesson and came out into the hallway to relieve me for a minute. Plus, I think he just needed someone like her to kind of bring him back to reality. I went to the bathroom and when I came back, he was inside the classroom sitting at a desk by himself eating his lunch, which he had never eaten. Ms. Moulton could tell I was still upset over the whole thing and she and I talked for a second. I filled her in on what had happened and we were able to laugh at different parts of this disaster. After a few minutes, KC came up to me and said "I'm sorry for making you cry," which almost made me cry again. It was really cute and his little face with big brown eyes and dreadlocks was just too much. I asked for a hug and got a hug and him rubbing his face on my new fleece, which I think he is strangely in love with. It was cute.
We went back over to his table where he was eating lunch because I wanted to keep talking to him. He continued eating and I was just rambling on about nonsense. All of a sudden, he goes into the bottom compartment of his lunch box and gets out a piece of chocolate candy. He holds it out to me and just goes "mmm." I asked him if he needed me to open it for him and he shook his head. Then I asked him if he wanted me to eat it, and he nodded and smiled this sheepish smile. It was, again, another really cute moment that almost brought me to tears.
It's been a rough few days and I'm trying hard to stay positive and keep perspective, but lately, it's been hard. One moment, these tough times are inspiring me even more and making me more passionate about everything, but then the next moment, I'm feeling defeated and exhausted. Regardless, I'm ready for the weekend.
Joshua 1:9
I don't know why I'm having such a hard time dealing with all of KC's breakdowns. All I know is that he has found a soft spot in my heart and I can't help but cry for him sometimes. I see how much he struggles every day when interacting with his peers. I know I keep saying this, but regardless of what the school psychologist says, I see signs of Asberger's in him everyday and it's KILLING me that there is nothing I can do. I am feeling helpless as to where to go from here. He can't continue pushing kids, but without some sort of intervention, he will never learn. Help.
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